Am I valid? An overview on reflections on self image and internet culture.
Valid
What is valid?
That is the question am I valid?
I don't feel valid.
I get so many constant validations, but there is a little seed of doubt that refuses to believe. This is commonly known as imposter syndrome. I think I have felt this because of an almost constant sense of alienation: I knew I was different.
People who know me in real life or more personal if still on the internet only, tell me that I am beautiful, attractive, and yet I cannot shake the anxiety of authenticity. Among trans spaces, this is at best ironically and at worst pejoratively called The Hugbox and it is very bad for a lot of reasons, not only because of its origins from ableism against autistic people, but implies that affirmations are fake, and the truth is negative. One is receptive to such an attitude when they believe that the truth hurts– it can hurt, sometimes, but truth can be healing, positive, and affirming, and lies can be negative and hurtful.
The Hug-box sounds good, I mean, who wouldn't want some affection, especially in these days of social distancing, which have been at the background whilst I was writing this essay. I want to support and be supported.
However, my transition has changed my own relationships with other people, often for the better. If there is one good thing about being transgender, it is having a community, while not perfect, has some sort of solidarity. The girlfriends that I have in my polyamorous relationship are also trans or also non-binary.
We relate to others' problems, like gender dysphoria and self-esteem. The common bonds through suffering are often attractive, as goes to the aphorism that "misery loves company" and there is that trope of transsexual suffering. Defining an identity by suffering seems very fallacious and reductive, but that's a story for another time.
The central thesis is this vague concept validity. Am I valid? I don't know, that's for you, the audience, my judge, jury, and executioner, to decide. I ask because of mental health, this was a long project because I don't want to start my career with a super vulnerable moment. Valid, feels like a meaningless word to me. I know validity is important to establish to early-transition trans people who may not be secure in their identity yet, but for me, what if I want to be invalid? (sarcasm)
I strongly believe in good faith self identification. One thing about valid that gets to me is the state of internet discourse. It is so absurd that there is so much of it. It is a waste of time, because one all sexual orientations and genders are valid, they just are– this should not be a debate! Yet, certain elements have made it a hot button issue, for what? Was it the TERFs or are the political lesbians just big ol' meanies?! A little from column A, a little from column B.
The discourse online has taught me a few things about myself however. It has shown me that I do crave and seek attention, which is valid and not inherently bad, but not all attention is good or positive. I also do not want to be a person that upsets others. So sometimes I worry about losing a friend or access to someone I look up to. I know my gender and sexual orientation are real and legitimate, and I do not let exclusion bother, because I strongly believe in my claim of gender and sexuality. Identity and the language around it is up to you. You cannot force a change on how your sexual orientation and gender is, but they can change and evolve.
Overall, why is there discourse over identity especially such things as messy and complex as gender and/or sexuality? Why are people running over the hills and tripping on their swords over their over hot twitter takes that were originally posted to Tumblr 5 years ago? Why? Because boredom and also to scratch an itch, to answer why and how– the justification of who they are.
Why are you gay? Why are you trans? These are things one may be asked, or rather demanded to answer to. Cisnormative and heterenormative society does not accept you as valid, so why are you taking on their roles by asking the same among your peers?
I often hear that the community needs protection. Protection against what? Invaders? Space invaders? It just sounds like people are falling for false problems or just want to play they oppressors when they have a taste of normal. I never really fit in, though I have carved out on my corner of community in this universe.
Navigation of spaces, both online and offline, is another theme of this personal thesis. I have a complex gender and sexual identity. I know I am queer and tend to find a corner in most LGBTQ+ spaces, like a GSA at a university, or a support group for queer or transgender people, and especially using my identity as a core aspect of my social media brand image. BDunicorn is my brand. It is literally my name turned into a marque to publish and promote my writing in any form I feel is best to use.
To sum up, valid is overused, but it is not wrong, and my issue is feeling kinda underwhelmed and feeling very coddled. I am not a baby tran anymore. It is important for those who need it. You are valid, should you need to hear that. But also, if you don't care for that word, you are more than that. You are real and legitimate, you are power and amazing. But also, be sure to take your own path in life. Other people can help and you can be independent and strong and brave and fierce. Take pride in yourself. I'm thankful for my fans and avid readers.
Thank you and have a good evening, or morning.
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