Queer as queer does: the complexities of my sexuality
Queer as queer does: the complexities of my sexuality
Hello everyone and happy pride month!!
I am queer but do you want the long form of it. Okay, here it is, just don't read me to filth of you're gonna be ex-clue "meanie" about it. Save your Korean pop star idol gifs, save it, if you don't like, then sorry not sorry. I refuse to apologize for my identity. I will be me with or without your approval. Like me or not everything I say here is something I want others to read, so you are cordially invited to stay and read, but if you don't wanna read this, then get out this is a bi lesbian safe space. I will not abide by or condone any exclusionary bigotry.
Now, since that has been taken care of, who wants some tea and cookies? Made from the finest spilled shade, and I'll throw you some tea too!
Part I Setting the Stage.
This is about the details of my sexual orientation and all of the nuances I experienced such as the disk horse, my queer history, my gender and orientation evolution, and even comphet, which is something we shall discuss later so put a pin that!
So egg me thought I was only bisexual to fill the role of being a feminine queer man, I wanted to be feminine, as a girl, and non-binary too, I was the woman's idea of a man, because I knew the stereotypes of gay man and had faced homophobic bullying, but also it was coded as a failure of a man, but I was never really one, I just pretended to be one, as I was assigned male social roles from birth–– it's a boy they said. I transitioned from a bisexual man, really heteroflexible, to a trans lesbian, but specifically a bisexual lesbian. My sapphic journey is also that of a gender journey. Yes, we hear posts about how gender, or even gender identity, and sexual orientation are not the same thing. But there has been some overlap between them. I am queer in both of those subgroups and categories. Genderqueer that is also queer sexually and romantically.
Part II: What?
Why bisexual lesbian then? Why not just pick one of the two parts of the compound term?
Because one I don't have to and I can label it how I want in good faith.
And second it makes sense and really resonates with me a lot.
Therefore, in this essay I will for the first time of my elaborate.
This is the urban dictionary entry for bi-lesbian, and it is simple and succinct yet comprehensive
This term is used to explain Mspec (Multisexual)
people with an emphasis on attraction to women in one way or another.
This term means different things to different people, but definitions
include:
- A Bisexual Homoromantic
- A Homosexual Biromantic
- One who is attracted to women as well as feminine Non-binary people and wishes to not misgender Non-binary people by lumping them in with women.
- One who is attracted to more than one gender, but whose primary attraction is with women
A Bi Lesbian is NOT a Bi person with a preference for women.
(Note: This definition also applies to Pan Lesbians)
However, the only I do not like is the Discourse™ around this coupling of words. I know what people say to me about it when I foolishly comment on it. They are wrong or irrelevant, most likely misinformed and lashing out at other people that express differently or use terms a bit differently. They hate that they do not fully understand.
This blog is an overdue thing, especially since it seemed that peak of the sexual orientation of discourse was in June and July, last year.
I do not want to be involved with the discourse™ and in fact I have grown very tired of it, but I suppose this is my last stand and if anyone gives me a hard time for this, I will simply ask them to read this until they get it or just leave me alone. Let me be in peace. I do not hurt or harm you. You probably do not know me, and let's keep it that way. You may never know me, but if you do know me, you probably do already get it, and this is just how you support me, by reading and watching my content.
My queer identity is complex, I know this. I'm both a lesbian and bisexual, that's just happening. Sorry, not sorry. What else do I have to say for myself? Except I do.
Part III: a (trans) girl's guide to compulsory heterosexuality.
What is compulsory heterosexuality? It is a term in discussions of women's sexuality that states some LGBTQ women* may go through because as women in heteronormative society they are expected be attracted to men. There are quite a few resources on CompHet, for short, though some of it seems a bit focused on cis women. But this is where I try to help to demystify for any trans women and transfeminine individuals who experience it. My own experiences match with a lot of the gender feelings section of "Am I lesbian" masterdoc.
*= Your Results and experience might vary if you're non-binary.
There was not much about trans women and non-binary people that are lesbians. The document seemed to be very cisnormative or at least focused on lesbians that were afab, if not cis, but like it's probably written by cis women. Maybe some tme, or transmisogyny exempt lesbians could relate, but non-binary people are complex after all. I would know, because I am genderqueer myself. And the comphet is often brought in the discourse. Though I should mention we at BDunicorn do not endorse nor condone Adrienne Rich or any of her beliefs as she was indeed a transgender-exclusionary radical feminist, or TERF for short. It was a shame though the phrasing had caught on. Sometimes shitty people invent useful things. Like look at 19th century and early 20th century inventors, most of them were racist white dudes, yet they helped built useful things, and of course slavery and colonialism built the modern world. World is complex, humans and creatures are complex, we are all so complicated!
Update: "CompHet" is no longer a favored term of use. We will not use it anymore.
Part IV A Brief History
Some people will tell you that almost every lgbtqia+ identity is uniquely atomized and distinctly separate from every other, while some combos are permissible, but it's usually understood as a couple sexuality and gender labels, for example, a transgender lesbian. She is trans and a lesbian, though is that it, for most it maybe so, but for others it never was that simple.
Likewise bisexuality is not just being attracted to men and women, as the consensus is attraction to multiple genders, and if lesbians can be or include non-binary people, then surely attraction to women and non-binary people is technically bisexuality. And even so bisexual people may use other labels for themselves, especially when pansexual caught on but plenty of people who were technically bisexual called themselves gay or lesbian. There are many examples of zines and comics from queer writers and artists describing themselves as such.
Why is there a divide? Well, ask radical feminists who adopted political lesbianism and defined being a lesbian as avoidance or unattraction to men, rather than love or attraction to women. Ironically centering men in the process. But that's a critique of radfems for another story. The narrow definitions of sexuality serve to create control and to replicate a sexual hierarchy among lgbtqia people, which is quite tragic and even insulting. Queerness rejects hierarchy. We do not wish to replace heteronormativity with homonormativity. Strict homosexuality is not morally or aesthetically better or more valuable than bisexuality, pansexuality, asexuality, etc. Queerness is a shared community and movement. We were pushed to the margins and learned about life that cis-het society refused to tell us about. Good faith self-identification has become the bedrock of queerness. We took words like homosexual, which were used to categorize us as mentally ill at best and morally and spiritually deviant at worst.
Queer is what I am glad to be, as long with lesbian, which also has a rich history from Sappho of Lesbos to the Lesbian Avengers and Dyke March. Bisexual has also a great rich history with so many examples of sexual fluidity that has been present in so many people in history and today. And a lot of that history is shared between lesbians, gay men, bisexuals, transgender and transsexual people, queers, intersex people, genderqueer people, asexuals, and aromantic people. This is a political movement and a vibrant community, and we may not always be understood by the unqueer or cisgender-heterosexuals, but we are here and queer, and we are that we say are. That is the power of queerness– self-authorship.
Part V Conclusion
And lastly—why should I tell you all this?
Because I wanna feel trusted and accepted by as many internet randos and anons as possible. The lesbian or queer discourse or whatever it should be called is a waste of time, if someone is genuinely confused and wants to learn, they should educate themselves especially by reading this article.
And so this should serve as an introduction of my complex sexual orientation. Oh and by the way I am not attracted to men sexually or romantically either. I am only platonic with men and most masculine people. But even if a self-identified found a man or two attractive, I would not care and neither should you. Behavior and identity may sometimes clash.
So just take it easy, respect good faith self-ID and read up on queer history. I will try to do more queer history for pride month, in the mean time, read through these sources and any previous article I posted. I hope that this will get mostly positive reviews and hits, nothing to bad, I feel quite vulnerable sharing this but even so, this article is about being open and honest. I encourage everyone to do the same and never fear being yourself and expressing your authenticity!
Thanks for reading and I've been Brittany the Unicorn.
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Image Credits:
Reddit User u/ZAWGURN
Further Reading:
I know some folks get confused when hearing Bi Lesbian
Was "Bi Lesbian" made up by Radfems in 2016?
Thread by twitter user @unicornmarch
Sappho Lesbians and Bisexual Exclusion
Bisexual and Pansexual Lesbians: An Essay and ongoing list of sources and commentary
Lavender Woman v2 issue 5 August 1973
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